"Today is a wonderful and proud day for me. Today, I, Mary-Jane Fairweather, a life-long and proud Democrat, stand before you to proudly announce my candidacy for the office of President of the United States. I'm proud to have my mother, Nanouk Beaverhide here by my side. She's an Eskimo, born in the village of Atqasuk, in the northern part of Alaska.

"And I'm proud to have my grandmother here with me, too. Her name is Zippidi Dahdoo, and she is a Ubangi, born in the Congo River basin to the west of Mossaka, in the Republic of the Congo in central Africa.

"Also with me today is my wonderful wife, Yiska. She's an African-American Jew, born in Harlem, New York. My father, Ahmed, rest his Muslim, Hispanic soul, was born in Pittsburgh.

"The other candidates claim to represent America, but I have Eskimo, Ubangi, black, Jewish, Moslim, Hispanic, and lesbian blood in my family, and that fact alone qualifies me to be the next President of the United States. We should never again elect a privileged white man -- all white men are privileged -- as our President.

"Let me describe my platform, my 'Make America Equal Again' platform.

"First, the environment. You've certainly heard that Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez has said the world will end in twelve years if we don't take action to control our global-warming problem. Well, of course that's absurd. She should know better than that. She should be ashamed of herself! If we don't fix the global-warming problem, the world will end in two and a half years!

"So, with that in mind, here's what we must do: First, everything with an engine or motor must be banned. All furnaces and air-conditioning units must also be banned. Further, all stoves and refrigerators must be banned. Radios and TV will be allowed, but TV screens can be no larger than 12 inches. By these simple, straight-forward actions, our global warming problem will be solved.

"Well, not entirely. We still have to worry about cows. With my plan, cows will be allowed if -- and only if -- all the methane they produce is captured and converted into energy for use to power radios and TVs.

"Next, power generation. Of course coal-powered and gas-powered electricity-generating plants must be eliminated. That goes without saying. And all nuclear-power plants, too. Of course. But also all dams must be taken down. Dams disrupt nature and alter eco-systems. With my plan, methane from cows will be the major source of energy for the country.

"Minimum wage. There has been much talk about a 15-dollar minimum wage. How short-sighted! People can't get by on that. I'm proposing a 150-dollar-per-hour minimum wage. And I'm also proposing a 150-dollar maximum wage! And here's the best part: with income equality, everyone will be making $312,000 a year, and everybody will be paying taxes. Not only that, there will be no wage discrepancy between men and women, between blacks and whites, between young and old. Not only that, everybody will be paying the same income tax. Complete and total equality! It's perfect! I don't know why nobody thought of this before.

"Immigration. Everyone now understands that people who want to come into our country and live here should be allowed to do so. For some, it's a hardship to move all their belongings and themselves here, so it's vital for us to compensate these people for their inconvenience. With my plan, every man, woman, and child who comes here will be given $10,000 compensation by the federal government. And of course free schooling, free healthcare, and lots of other 'necessities' -- all free of course.

Religion. It's time. Atheists have been complaining long enough. They have suffered long enough. The cross must be removed from all buildings. And that includes crosses on headstones in cemeteries everywhere. And crosses on churches. As you know, the First Amendment guarantees freedom from religion, so crosses must come down, not only from government buildings, but from private buildings, too. And the word 'God' must be removed from all buildings, and from our currency. As our Constitution clearly states, any public expression of religion is absolutely prohibited. It's time we acted, and my administration will act to remove all visible signs of religion from our culture.

History. As we have been taught since government school kindergarten, the United States was founded by evil men. They established a cruel and unjust government and a fundamentally selfish and flawed economic system. We must right their wrongs. We must tear down all the statues of the Founders. We must rename streets and buildings and cities and states. We must purge our textbooks and libraries and traditions to remove all mention of these evil individuals. Only when our history has been cleansed can the American people rise up with pride and dignity. Only then will we be able to look upon the rest of the world without shame and embarrassment. My administration will lead the charge in this effort to forever bury our past.

"Voting. As a staunch Socialist Democrat, I want as many people voting Democrat as possible, so I favor lowering the voting age to 12. I'll sponsor legislation to make that happen. I also favor letting ex-convicts vote, letting convicts vote, letting illegal immigrants vote, and letting any visitors to our country vote. Everyone will be able to vote, with absentee ballots, from anywhere in the world! Convicts, illegals, visitors, everyone must be equal to those of us we call citizens.

"Guns. Guns kill, so if I'm elected, all guns will be banned. Also, knives kill, so knives will be banned, as well. Bathtubs kill, too, so they must be banned. (Use a shower, for goodness sake!) When no one has any guns or knives, law-enforcement officers will not need their weapons. No one in the entire country will be allowed to have a weapon and everyone will be safe. Safe forever!

"Military. Since all motors and engines will be banned under my administration, and all guns and knives, the military will be somewhat constrained. However, each of our troops will be issued a sharp stick and a list of nasty things to say to the enemy. I'm confident this unilateral disarmament will result in our enemies disarming as well. Peace will reign throughout the entire world. There will never again be war.

"Equality. Since equality is the fundamental principle of my campaign, all efforts will be expended to achieve equal outcomes. In education, this means those falling behind will be given a boost. Likewise, those who are high achievers will be held back and constrained. Equality demands that everyone must be equal. Also, all housing units must be the same. The government will determine what the standard is. Likewise, all meals must be the same. The government will determine what that standard is. Equal happiness and satisfaction will be enforced by law.

"The environment. If there is to be true equality, all elements of our environment must be equal. Animals treated badly must be allowed to sue their owners. No, let me correct that: If there's equality, no one can ever own an animal. There must be no owners, only care givers. Threatened species must be able to sue those who threaten them. Polluted lakes, rivers, and streams must be able to sue the polluters. Planet Earth must be able to sue those who create CO2 and global warming. And the United Nations must adjudicate all these law suits.

"Abortion. A woman's right to choose must be respected. And that right extends to individual characteristics. If a woman wants a girl, but the unborn is a boy, the woman's choice must be respected. Maybe the next one will be a girl. If a woman wants her baby to have blue eyes, but the unborn child has brown, then the woman's choice must prevail. Furthermore, if a woman determines her sex partner is conservative, then the unborn child can, if she wishes, be terminated. I'm totally committed to woman's choice. Up until at least the third month after a child is born.

"Recreational drugs. Drugs like crack cocaine will be issued by the government to all those who are not satisfied with the mandated equality my administration will impose. Crack makes people calm and self-assured. The government must force equality if it does not occur naturally. It's the only way total equality can be guaranteed.

Reparations. Reparations fall in a special category. Here equality doesn't apply. If you think some relative of yours -- a hundred, two hundred, maybe even three hundred years ago -- was badly treated for some reason, then the government owes you reparations. My administration will consider it a duty to reimburse each such individual an amount of $50,000 each year, for the remainder of that individual's life. Of course such reparations cannot in any way compensate for the extensive damage caused, so other special treatment will continue to be given out. My administration will take it as an unchallengeable truth that certain groups will always be considered oppressed groups and the federal government will provide them with certain privileges not provided others.

"Free Speech. Free speech is a necessity. All speech therefore must meet certain standards set by the government. No speech that interferes with these standards will be tolerated. All speech from conservatives will be considered unacceptable. Unacceptable free speech will subject the person who expresses it to a fine or imprisonment or both.

"Sports. It's time to do away with men's and women's sports. My administration will dictate that all sports must include both men and women. Half of every football team must be women, half men. Half of every baseball team must be women, half men. And in singles' sports, women will compete with men as well as women. It's only fair. It's equality. And toward the goal of equality, every game played will result in a tie. The final score will be an average of the points each side scores. And the tie will be recorded as the official result.

"And that, my friends, is my platform. It's a platform of equality. It's a platform of tolerance. It's a platform of love. It's a platform of peace and strength. It's a platform of common sense, reason, and clear thinking.

"And yes, it's a platform of success. And I hope you will join with me in this battle we have against intolerance and hate. Those we oppose are uncaring people. They are ignorant. They are unsophisticated. They are despicable. Yes, Hillary was right, they are irredeemable. Barack was right, they are bitter people who cling to their guns and Bibles. We must defeat these ugly and evil people! And defeat them we will!

"My campaign will be one of hope and equality and love. 'Make America Equal Again!' Empower the government to change behavior and force one and all to enjoy the fruits of being equal all across this wonderful country of ours. A vote for me, Mary-Jane Fairweather, is a vote for a long and bright future of equality!

"Thank you. And good night."